Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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