I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
so let's talk penis.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize
