My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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