Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Randomize
