My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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