You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
