When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
