I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
