So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
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