if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Randomize
