I think I won the penis lottery.
I understand Curling. That high.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
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