My girlfriend figured out who you are.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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