I just pynch a tree in the face
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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