I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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