sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
