Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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