im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
