i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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