Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
mondays should just be called national damage control day
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
It's shark week go big or go home
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
Randomize
