I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
You dont lie about slip and slides
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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