I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
