the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
