Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
