man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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