Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Randomize
