Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
