dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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