I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
