You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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