I cannot find my penis.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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