Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
