i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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