You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
The power of my boobs compel you
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
