Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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