They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
