I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
