I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
