feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
