god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
