I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
