me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
