You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Randomize
