Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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