i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
