i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
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