Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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