Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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