any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
