why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Randomize
