hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
