I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
