how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
She even gives head with a lisp.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
