i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Randomize
